Sleep Association: Nursing to Sleep
There I sat. I was in my bed with my husband next to me snoring away like nothing was wrong, as if I hadn’t been up and down all night tending to a screaming baby. My son was 9-months-old and was waking up hungry every hour of every single night. I would check his diaper, give him snuggles, and eventually resort to nursing him because I thought he was hungry. It was the only way he’d even entertain the idea of going back to sleep. Once I knew he was asleep, I would carefully lay him down as if he were a bomb that would go off with any slight movement or motion. Then, I’d jump back in bed and try to fall asleep myself. An hour later, we would be repeating this process.
I had decided to have him in our room in his bassinet because I was too exhausted to walk across the house every single hour to get him when he’d wake up. I also didn’t want my 4-year-old daughter to wake up from his screaming. She was a handful when she didn’t get good sleep, and I just couldn’t bear the thought. So, at risk of waking everyone up and ruining their sleep, I was responding and reacting to every single grunt or whimper my son would make.
One day I was so tired that my friends at the gym commented that they knew I must not have gotten much sleep the night before. They were right. I had slept collectively about 45 minutes all night. Later that day, I nearly fell asleep driving with both of my kiddos in the car. I knew something had to change. I was tired, I was frustrated, and I was not at my best.
I went home and started researching and talking to other moms. Eventually, a friend recommended a sleep consultant and I soon learned exactly what was going on. My son was waking all the time and wanting to nurse, not because he was hungry but because he had developed a nurse to sleep association. And while this wasn’t a bad thing when he was a tiny baby, it was wearing on my attitude towards my son, it was wearing on my marriage, and it was wearing on me. He was old enough to sleep through the night but he just wasn’t able to do it, and it was up to me to teach him.
Does this sound familiar to you? I’ve heard so many stories from friends, women on Facebook, and clients about how their babies are hungry every 45 minutes and waking up all night long. Moms worry about their supply not being able to keep up with their baby, they worry about how little their baby is sleeping, and they themselves are too tired to make any connections out of it. If that story above sounded much like your own, you are not alone.
There is a reason behind all of this! Babies like to wake up in the same place they fell asleep. I imagine that classic scene where a group of guys goes camping and one wakes up floating on an air mattress in the middle of the lake the next morning. It’s a shock to wake up in a different place than when you went to sleep. It is no different for babies! So, if they are falling asleep nursing, not only will they be super upset when they wake up and that is no longer available to them, they will also really want to fall back asleep while nursing.
Moms often feel that it must be hunger or the baby wouldn’t wake up every 45 minutes! However, their sleep cycles tend to be only about 45 minutes long. So, just like us adults, baby wakes up just enough to readjust themselves and quickly realize they are not where they fell asleep. Enter crying. Enter mom picking baby up. Enter mom nursing baby back to sleep. It is a vicious cycle that keeps mom from sleeping and it also keeps the baby from learning how to consolidate sleep cycles, and go from one cycle to the next without fully waking up.
Your baby is waking every 45 minutes and you are nursing them back to sleep. However, they are only nursing for 3-5 minutes before they fall right back asleep. This is a clear nurse-to-sleep association.
While this association can be removed fairly quickly, it is not super easy to do. You must be absolutely consistent in your reactions and responses to the baby. If during one wake up, you allow the baby to nurse, but the next you don’t, the baby will be confused.
The first thing you want to be sure of is that your baby is gaining weight properly and that your pediatrician says that your baby is healthy enough to no longer need night feedings. Once you have that “OK”, it is best to take one of three approaches to remove night feedings.
The first approach is to quit allowing night nursing altogether- cold turkey. This can be really hard on mom and baby but it sends a very clear expectation and sets a definitive boundary that nursing at night will no longer happen.
The second approach is to drop one feeding every night or every 2 nights. This is a slower process and may seem more bearable for some moms. However, it could also send mixed signals to a baby that nursing at night is ok, then it’s not.
The third approach is best for babies who may still need night feedings. You will want to avoid nursing your baby before midnight. The first time that your baby wakes up after midnight, nurse them while also keeping them awake the entire time. Then, if a second feeding is needed, you would schedule that time and wake the baby up for the feeding.
Just like anytime you change anything about the baby’s routine, removing this sleep association will most certainly be met with a lot of big emotions and a lot of protesting and crying from your baby. So, be sure before you take this step, you are ready and the baby is cleared by the pediatrician to go all night without a feeding.
One last thing to add. For those of you who are worried that ending night nursing will bring your breastfeeding journey to an end, it doesn’t have to! You can still nurse during the day and have a well-fed baby who sleeps all night! So, don’t let that hold you back from getting your baby good sleep and getting yourself good sleep!
Sweet dreams!
