Setting Boundaries with a Toddler
It’s OK & You Should Do It
My Hot Take
We, as parents, can and should set limits and boundaries with our children, even if they don’t like them, and even if they get upset about it. In a world where we see many parents trying to change generations of “bad” authoritarian parenting, we may have found ourselves on a pendulum in full swing going to the other extreme: permissive parenting that lacks boundaries and expectations.
I’m definitely not here to do any parent shaming or tell you your parenting style is “wrong”. What I am here to tell you is our parenting styles have a lot of influence on how our children see and interact with the world. I also want to tell you setting boundaries and expectations is OK, using them does a lot of good, and they help your child develop many skills.
No parent just wakes up one day and is good at setting boundaries and holding them. This is by far one of the hardest skills we, as parents and people in general, work on. Some parents will master it, while others may not. The key is even after a big screw up, you remember you can try again and you keep trying. It’s a big challenge, so give yourself some grace, and keep a positive outlook.
Parenting Styles in Sleep Training
If you talk to any of my past clients, they will tell you one of the questions on my intake form is “what is your parenting style?” I often get a mix of answers. For the record, my intent is not to get simple answers like “authoritative, authoritarian, permissive, or uninvolved”. The truth is, many parents don’t see their parenting style as something that fits into a box. So, I like to hear what parents think of their own parenting style. Here are some answers I get:
“We set boundaries but also allow for independent play.”
“I’m pretty laid back- I’m into conscious parenting- everyone’s feelings matter, but that doesn’t mean everyone gets their way.”
“We are by default very gentle in our parenting.”
“I let my child guide the day. If they want to do a certain activity, I let them do it. They are only little once, and I don’t deal with meltdowns well.”
“I try to be flexible and gentle with my kids, but some days I just have to maintain order.”
I read a lot into the answers I get from this question. And before you worry that I’m judging, I’m not. I just like to have an idea of how willing parents seem to be with setting boundaries around bedtime, naptime, and sleep as a whole.
For example, the parent that answered “I’m pretty laid back- I’m into conscious parenting- everyone’s feelings matter, but that doesn’t mean everyone gets their way,” their answer tells me they probably do a decent job of validating their child’s feelings and have already practiced setting boundaries.
Another example, the parent that said “I let my child guide the day. If they want to do a certain activity, I let them do it. They are only little once, and I don’t deal with meltdowns well,” may struggle more with setting boundaries, especially if they are letting their child guide the day because they are afraid of big emotions.
One more example, the parent who said “I try to be flexible and gentle with my kids, but some days I just have to maintain order,” may struggle with feeling guilty about setting boundaries.
So, I take all of this in while deciding how to talk to my parents about sleep training and setting boundaries around sleep.
Benefits of Boundaries
No matter what parenting style a family may use, it is important that they know why setting boundaries is so beneficial. According to Robert Mackenzie, author of Setting Limits, when we set limits (or boundaries) with our children we are defining the path of acceptable behavior, we are helping them define the relationships they have with us and others, and we are providing them with a sense of security. Another huge benefit to boundary and limit setting is that it helps our children build life skills such as patience, problem solving, resourcefulness, responsibility, and self-discipline. It will also teach our children that setting boundaries with others is totally acceptable!
Setting and maintaining boundaries with a toddler works well in sleep training, potty training, limiting screen time, and with managing their overall behavior. So, these are good skills to have as a parent. For the purpose of this blog, seeing as how I am in the sleep field, we are going to talk about boundary setting as it pertains to sleep training.
Building Boundaries in the Sleep Plan
When I provide a family with a sleep plan for their toddler, I typically will instruct them to hold a family meeting (so long as their child is at a receptive age). During this family meeting, I like for parents to tell their child what is about to happen. *That’s right, I don’t pull the shock and awe method with sleep training toddlers.*
The parents will sit down and say “Ok, kiddo, we know you really like to sleep in our bed, and we like having you around. We also know that sleep is very important for all of us. It is important for you because we really want you to grow strong muscles and a smart brain. Sleeping on your own will help with that! So, we are going set out on a new adventure of sleep training. During sleep training, you will learn how to sleep all on your own in your own big kid room! Doesn’t that sound amazing?!” See, from the start, parents are able to explain to their toddler what the end goal is, thus setting the boundary and expectation that at the end of this, they will be sleeping independently.
The fun thing here is that we are talking about toddlers. They don’t really enjoy boundaries because most of the time they haven’t had to deal with them yet! So, of course, there is going to be resistance! I tell parents to prepare for a “revolution of sorts” type of resistance when we’re talking setting boundaries around sleep. How do I suggest parents deal with it? I tell them to make sure they are talking about why these new rules and boundaries are being put into place. I also explain that it’s fun to make an agreement or write up a contract with our kiddos about what is acceptable behavior and what is not. Let them set some of the rules, even if they are silly. You shouldn’t worry about being super serious here, its ok to throw in something silly every now and then, like “every night mom or dad will fly you to your bedroom for bedtime” or “every night we will play 2 rounds of hide and seek before we get in the bath”. The key is maintaining the boundary or the rule no matter what. When we add in fun rules, it makes it easier to maintain the not-so-fun rules.
What if your toddler says “I don’t want to sleep in my own room! I don’t like my bed!”? The first thing we want to do is forget the word “but”. Avoid saying “I know you don’t, BUT….” This can be invalidating for toddlers. Instead say “I hear you saying you don’t like your bed and you don’t want to sleep in your room. I also know you would get better sleep in your own room AND mom and dad would like to sleep alone in their bed.” So, instead of cutting them off at their feelings, you have validated and acknowledged what they are saying, explained the problem, and set the boundary. Your child will be more likely to feel heard and understood, therefore more likely to be open to this new idea of sleeping on their own.
Setting the Limits and Boundaries
Now, you’ve talked to your kiddo about the end goal. It’s time to set the limits, right? Whether the limit is “you need to stay in your bed” or “we aren’t going to play in the middle of the night” it is important to be clear. Not only do we need to be clear about what is expected, we also need to be clear about the consequences of boundaries being overstepped and the reward for the boundary being respected. Any consequence or reward attached to a boundary regarding sleep needs to be logical and attached to sleep in some way. For example, if let’s say your toddler doesn’t want to stay in their room and comes out after bedtime 100 times, a logical consequence is “You came out of your room a lot last night after bedtime, so you didn’t get as much sleep as you needed. We are also very tired. Unfortunately, that means we don’t have enough energy to go to the park today”. A logical reward would be “You did great at keeping your body in your bed last night and you slept all night! Since you slept all night, I know you have plenty of energy to go to the park today! That’s a nice reward, huh?” The key with logical consequences is that you must stay consistent with what result is required to reach a reward and what warrants a consequence. Always explain the reason why a consequence or reward is met step by step in an easy way that your toddler can understand. Not staying in bed means less sleep means low energy means no park. Staying in bed means more sleep means more energy means reward of going to the park. Just be sure you are creating a teachable moment and not getting into a long lecture that goes in one ear and out the other.
The Dreaded Extinction Burst
Many parents see quite a bit of success after several days of consistently setting the boundaries and following the set consequences and rewards. However, there is a small catch to this. Right about the time parents start feeling proud of themselves (and their kiddo, of course) they are met with an extinction burst. What the heck is an extinction burst?
When we inconsistently reinforce unwanted behavior in our children (some nights letting them sleep with us because they have a meltdown, while some nights making them sleep on their own), we have to be aware that when we start to be consistent at no longer reinforcing the unwanted behavior, we may see that our children will “play the game” for a few days. However, they may also regress slightly and become relentless about doing the previously reinforced behavior just to see if it will work again. Many parents give up at this point because they feel like what they were doing wasn’t working. However, this regression is simply the “extinction burst” and if we, as parents, maintain our consistency and hold the boundary, the burst will end and we will see success on the other side. Long answer short, stay consistent even if there is a regression because if we give in and bend that boundary it will be harder and harder to maintain it in the future.
Remember the Key Points
Setting boundaries with our toddlers and children will benefit them so much in the long run. They will grow up to be adults who not only respect boundaries set for them, but they will also be better at setting boundaries that they want in place. It’s all about practicing that skill and this is a wonderful age to start doing it, and sleep is a wonderful place to start.
If you feel like it is too late for you to start setting boundaries, what do you do? You still do it! It is never too late to set boundaries or enforce them. What if you have tried this boundary setting thing before and it went ok for a while, but now you’ve fallen off the wagon (and the wheels are also off the wagon)? You set your plan in place and do it again and again, with 100% devotion. You will start to see improvements and slowly get those boundaries put back up.
I realize reading all of this is like drinking water from a fire house. So, feel free to come back to it until you feel like you’ve gotten a good grasp on boundary setting with your toddler! If you remember anything from reading this blog, I’d like for you to remember…
A: It’s not only just OK to set boundaries with your toddler, it’s also beneficial.
B: You can set boundaries in nearly every aspect of their life- sleep, play, personal hygiene, eating, etc. And….
C: Setting boundaries doesn’t have to look like an authoritarian dictatorship. We can set boundaries while also validating our children’s feelings and helping them understand why we are putting the boundaries into place.
If you are still feeling a little weary about it, please book and evaluation call with me using the button below. We can hop on a call and discuss what sleep training and setting those boundaries would look like, together!
